My Soul Tax Needs Paying

This is it. The first day of my journey to weight loss, self discovery, and a new found happiness. My soul has yearned to finally reach this place in my life; I just wished that it had happened sooner. I'm paying the debt that my soul needs paying. The reason why I chose that title is because its April 15, 2009, and everyone that isn't smart about paying their taxes is rushing today to make sure they get their forms in. Well, I wish I could rush mine and be ready to be the person I already wish I was, but that is impossible. Even what I consider are my realistic expectations of the changing of my life aren't as reasonable as they probably should be. I want to be in a thinner, healthier self before my twenty year high school reunion. But that's not my reason for losing weight. I came to a decision, do I want to live or do I not care enough about living to want to die? My husband Ronny asked me that question and I answered honestly, "At least with dying I won't be in pain any longer." And that is a true fact, I suffer from a lot of pain, both mentally, physically, emotionally, and spiritually. But am I the type of person to give up? No. Its never too late to start over.

For anyone that will be reading this blog, there are going to be sensitive and sometimes disturbing information that I might share. If you are the faint of heart or cannot handle deep emotional and physical pain being talked about, I urge you not to read my blog. This is going to be my place to release some anger and frustration and hopefully pain into becoming a better person. I will be relying on Bible scripture as much as possible, because I know that my true Savior is Jesus Christ. From the time I was 7 years old until now, He has been calling me to the ministry, and I have been pushing it away. Fear and anticipation of what might happen while in the faith lead me astray from Him. But, I am reaching back. And I think this time I can do the work that He calls me to do. I just have to find where exactly He wants me to be.

As far as emotional and physical pain, I'm neck deep in it. And I'm tired, very tired. I guess that's why I answered my husband the way that I did. I'm tired of fighting back towards something that keeps me so down in life. But I'm ready to move forward now, even if it is only for a short time; no one knows how long they are on this earth and what they are here for. I just hope that I do some good and make Jesus proud of me.

I just saw my psychiatrist today. We are adjusting my medication for probably the 20th time. It gets old and frustrating. There is no magical pill to make you all better. And I really don't want to be on all the medication that I'm on anyway. All the chemicals I'm sure are making my quality of life better mentally, but not physically. But I haven't been released from my pain yet, so I hang on.

I suffer from so many different health problems. Its not like I didn't see it coming from twenty years ago. I just didn't expect it to hit me at 35. Everything seemed to roll to a stop. And I really couldn't get out of bed.
And I have went on a slow and steady decline since then. I am now 37. I have to do something now to get me started.

So, as I start this journey, I hope all of you that might be reading, (and I am surprised anyone will be reading, to be honest), will think of me and pray for me a deepest and sincerest prayer of hope. I need all of the prayers that I can get. God Bless you all today and every day, and let no fear get in your way.

1 Kings 19:3-8
3) Elijah was afraid and ran for his life. When he came to Beersheba in Judah, he left his servant there, 4) while he himself went a day's journey into the desert. He came to a broom tree, sat down under it and prayed that he might die. "I have had enough, LORD," he said. "Take my life; I am no better than my ancestors." 5) Then he lay down under the tree and fell asleep. All at once an angel touched him and said, "Get up and eat." 6) He looked around, and there by his head was a cake of bread baked over hot coals, and a jar of water. He ate and drank and then lay down again.
7) The angel of the LORD came back a second time and touched him and said, "Get up and eat, for the journey is too much for you." 8) So he got up and ate and drank. Strengthened by that food, he traveled forty days and forty nights until he reached Horeb, the mountain of God.

Let me reach that mountain in 40 days and 40 nights that I might resist the temptation to die. I know its a slow journey Lord, full of hardship and loss, but I only hope that in my struggle great reward might be bestowed upon me that I might give it away.

Best,

Robin Julian