Cards Against Humanity

I cannot believe how long it has been since I have been here. I totally forgot about my blog, or maybe, just maybe, I let it sit and stew for awhile. I always have so many things swimming around in my head at one time, maybe I needed time to formulate something meaningful to write. I am beginning to see myself differently than I have in the past. I was motivated to come and write something, from a wonderful evening that I had last night. I met two new wonderful people that I now consider dear friends and I saw two people that I have not seen in almost 20 years. We played a game called Cards Against Humanity, one that I have never heard before, but instantly fell in love with. I was laughing my ass off.  It was a great night.

I am starting to hold back more of me, and share less, but what I do share, I make meaningful and important. I know in the past that my emotions would spill out and it would overwhelm other people and myself. I noticed I was able to keep my composure and be kind, funny, and giving without becoming so emotional. I think the stones in my pocket were the key. I felt so good, so even, not feeling overwhelmed by the situation. Mind you, it was only 4 other people, but even in times like that, I would be a kind of wallflower. 

I am waking up to being an Empath. I have always been one, since as long as I could remember, possibly 6-7 years old. I remember my father would get ugly with me, saying, "Stop being such a cry baby." Now that I think about it, parents repeat what was said and done to them as a child. I bet my father was an Empath, and that is why he self medicated with alcohol. He was a very violent alcoholic. I am sure his father was just as violent as he was. Clyde Barnes was known to be a violent alcoholic as well. And Cumie, Dad's mom, was just like my mother, always trying to be loving and giving, because the situation was so bad when they were kids. 

So Dad was an Empath, a bisexual, sex addicted, Empath, who was molested and beaten and barely had anything to eat because of his 8 brothers and sisters.  He never received counseling for what he went through as a child. All he knew was that he had to drink to make the inner demons go away. I long ago forgave my father for what he did to me growing up. He was just a sick man, that needed help, and never got it. He was not meant to be a father, and he certainly was not meant to be in a marriage. He cheated on my mother every chance he got.  But the more I look at the man, the more I see into the spirit. I think he wants me to do that... he wants me to understand that he didn't know what he was, he didn't have a name for a lot of things that were going on inside his head, except for enjoying sex with men. He knew that was something in society that was frowned upon. 

I wish my family would just start looking at the man, seeing him for what he was, and being honest with that knowledge. I have had to walk away from them. They are so utterly toxic that I get sick every single time I am around them. I got sick after just talking to my mother on the phone. I wasn't even in the same room as her, and I was feeling horrible. I just can't let that be in my life again. I just can't. I wish them the best, and I want them happy, I just don't want to be apart of it. 

I guess I am going to go. I have poured a little of my brain out today... Maybe I should save some for tomorrow... and I have a headache...lol 

Best, 

Robin Julian