If You Only Knew

Sometimes it seems as if I am transparent. If you know me at all you know that is not true. I am a big woman and some have considered a "hard target". You can't miss me. But yet inside I feel like no one can see me, hear me, understand my pain and confusion.

Living with chronic PTSD (post traumatic stress disorder) is not easily explained to most people when you haven't served in the armed forces. I have never been in the military. I've never been in a conflict zone or seen anyone get killed right in front of me. But I suffered from it all the same.

Growing up with a violent alcoholic diabetic was like living in a war zone. You never knew when they were going to explode for no reason. Diabetics tend to be moody but give them alcohol, and constant state of anger, and you have a ticking time bomb. I lived in fear for the first 20 years of my life, not knowing if I was going to live through it or get buried. I know to some that may seem hard to believe, but its true. The flashbacks to times of pain and terror that they put you through keeps you anxious and hypervigilant. You don't know how to react to things the right way. You never seem prepared for the future. That is my day to day life.

My post is short today, but one I wanted to make. Be thankful you had a wonderful childhood and bless your family for being there for you. To some that would have been the greatest thing they would have ever received.

R