Who Am I Really?

Isn't that a question that everyone asks themselves? Some time in your life, when you are introspective and wondering what all it means that you have done with your life? Who have you truly become in this life?

An old school friend, someone I truly have always admired, (and not because of his looks too, cause he's somewhat attractive) just make a crack about a fat girl falling = sound of thunder. You know, normally that stuff just rolls off my back and I go on. This time I actually winced for the first time in a VERY long time.

Now, if you know me, you know I've always been a big girl, ever since I was 5 years old. (Which I am beginning to think that me bashing my head at that age started it, but hey, I'm not a doctor right?) Anyway, as a child, those comments would kill me, bring tears to my eyes, make me shy away from people. And my father being the good and wholesome person as he was made it all better. But I haven't been that fat sad ugly girl for a long time.

I guess, strangely enough, I have always known I was fat, but never saw myself as fat. I know that doesn't make any sense, but its true. Its like when skinny girls think they are fat when they aren't. I have always thought I was not that fat, when in reality I was. But with his comment, and the fact that I have now reached the highest weight I never thought I would ever reach, I feel that again. I feel fat and sad and ugly.

I so want the weight loss surgery. My insurance has made it a point to write the possibility out of the policy. UNITED HEALTHCARE YOU SUCK! There, I feel a little better. But I think that in reality I want to overcome the reasons why I overeat. Everyone says its my feelings. I know its my feelings! But what do I do with them? I mean, I can scream yell cuss all I want by myself, but regardless, that doesn't stop the urges that I have. And the funny thing is, I'm so heavy, yet I honestly don't eat that much food. I'm beginning to think I was genetically mutated with a furless bear.

Nonetheless, I'm glad to be here today. I was in the hospital the other day and the doctors ran a multitude of tests and came up with zilch. Nothing!!! That's when it hit me, they weighed me, and I was like, OMG! I'm THAT obese woman that you hear about on the news! The one that could get stuck in her house with her dozen cats (and no I don't have a dozen, just one LOL) and they have to saw half the house out to get her out. I refuse!!! That was the biggest, pun of course intended, wake up call I ever got.

Anyway, I rant and rave... but I wish I could find out what is going on with me. Is it all in my head? Am I really a skinny woman trapped in a fat shell? We shall see. News at 11.

Robin