If You Only Knew

Sometimes it seems as if I am transparent. If you know me at all you know that is not true. I am a big woman and some have considered a "hard target". You can't miss me. But yet inside I feel like no one can see me, hear me, understand my pain and confusion.

Living with chronic PTSD (post traumatic stress disorder) is not easily explained to most people when you haven't served in the armed forces. I have never been in the military. I've never been in a conflict zone or seen anyone get killed right in front of me. But I suffered from it all the same.

Growing up with a violent alcoholic diabetic was like living in a war zone. You never knew when they were going to explode for no reason. Diabetics tend to be moody but give them alcohol, and constant state of anger, and you have a ticking time bomb. I lived in fear for the first 20 years of my life, not knowing if I was going to live through it or get buried. I know to some that may seem hard to believe, but its true. The flashbacks to times of pain and terror that they put you through keeps you anxious and hypervigilant. You don't know how to react to things the right way. You never seem prepared for the future. That is my day to day life.

My post is short today, but one I wanted to make. Be thankful you had a wonderful childhood and bless your family for being there for you. To some that would have been the greatest thing they would have ever received.

R

Who Am I Really?

Isn't that a question that everyone asks themselves? Some time in your life, when you are introspective and wondering what all it means that you have done with your life? Who have you truly become in this life?

An old school friend, someone I truly have always admired, (and not because of his looks too, cause he's somewhat attractive) just make a crack about a fat girl falling = sound of thunder. You know, normally that stuff just rolls off my back and I go on. This time I actually winced for the first time in a VERY long time.

Now, if you know me, you know I've always been a big girl, ever since I was 5 years old. (Which I am beginning to think that me bashing my head at that age started it, but hey, I'm not a doctor right?) Anyway, as a child, those comments would kill me, bring tears to my eyes, make me shy away from people. And my father being the good and wholesome person as he was made it all better. But I haven't been that fat sad ugly girl for a long time.

I guess, strangely enough, I have always known I was fat, but never saw myself as fat. I know that doesn't make any sense, but its true. Its like when skinny girls think they are fat when they aren't. I have always thought I was not that fat, when in reality I was. But with his comment, and the fact that I have now reached the highest weight I never thought I would ever reach, I feel that again. I feel fat and sad and ugly.

I so want the weight loss surgery. My insurance has made it a point to write the possibility out of the policy. UNITED HEALTHCARE YOU SUCK! There, I feel a little better. But I think that in reality I want to overcome the reasons why I overeat. Everyone says its my feelings. I know its my feelings! But what do I do with them? I mean, I can scream yell cuss all I want by myself, but regardless, that doesn't stop the urges that I have. And the funny thing is, I'm so heavy, yet I honestly don't eat that much food. I'm beginning to think I was genetically mutated with a furless bear.

Nonetheless, I'm glad to be here today. I was in the hospital the other day and the doctors ran a multitude of tests and came up with zilch. Nothing!!! That's when it hit me, they weighed me, and I was like, OMG! I'm THAT obese woman that you hear about on the news! The one that could get stuck in her house with her dozen cats (and no I don't have a dozen, just one LOL) and they have to saw half the house out to get her out. I refuse!!! That was the biggest, pun of course intended, wake up call I ever got.

Anyway, I rant and rave... but I wish I could find out what is going on with me. Is it all in my head? Am I really a skinny woman trapped in a fat shell? We shall see. News at 11.

Robin

The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly

How much that title references my life right now! I am begging the Lord for support and I feel like I'm in the rain constantly. Right now I'm having chest pain from all the stress I'm suffering, and I can't stop crying. This is my life in a nutshell. An episode happens at least once a week or more. The bad dreams have subsided lately, which is good, but I wonder for how long. And I wish that my dead Dad would stop coming back into my dreams. I know what is wrong and I have dealt with it. Still he haunts me...

I have been losing weight as of late and its great!!! I've dropped 7 pounds so far... YAY!!!! So progress is being made. I am starting to feel less sluggish too! My pysche doc put me on some new medication that won't raise my blood sugar and it is working great! Thank GOD for that! I'm starting to feel like I can be more active, which is a good thing because I have scheduled a vacation with my sister and my husband in the first of October in FL that should be fantastic!!!
She is just as excited as me. I can't wait...but my main goal is, I will have lost 20-40 pounds by then. I thought 20 was a healthy goal, and 40 was a wishing goal, so I'm not setting my expectations high. I can tell you what is really working: SlimQuick drink packets, SlimFast, and Special K Protein Water and cereal. It is doing a wonder with my cravings, they are nearly non existent! So I eat breakfast, skip lunch, eat dinner, and use the beverages to tide over my cravings and munchies at night. WHOOOHOO!!!

Now the ugly part: WageWorks, the healthcare spending account company that manages money on a pre-tax basis for paying for medical expenses has suspended my card because they think I've made suspicious transactions. If I wasn't sick, do you think I would be wasting my money on a doctor? Then I submit the verification and they say they won't pay! And then on top of it all, the customer service SUCKS ASS!!!! I don't hate many things in life, because the Lord says you shouldn't, but I HATE WAGEWORKS!!! And if you hear about your company using them, RUN, RUN FAR AWAY!

Now for my overall status...I feel like killing someone or something. That is an honest and strong feeling. Am I going to? No. But with the way things are going in my life, I can't deal that well. At least I'm accomplishing one goal, losing some weight. Now if I could just get to work on what's inside.

Thanks and Love You All!

R

Just Say Anything

I was thinking about a quote from one of my favorite movies, Say Anything, with John Cusack. I remember it clearly, and every time I wonder about things, this quote comes to mind.

"Maybe the world is full of food and sex and spectacle and we're all just hurling towards an apocalypse, in which case it's not your fault. "

I often think that is the perfect description of my life. My life is nothing but food and sex and spectacle. Or at least it was for several years. I wanted to show off and show out as often as I could. Any kind of shiny thing in the world, any vice, any wanton desire, was my spectacle. And now that I want to stop, it is almost impossible. Its like asking me to stop breathing for the rest of my life. At which case, I would be dead. There goes my analogy with death and dieting.

Making me put a halt on what I want and desire is hard for me. I didn't have a lot when I was growing up. I had more than most, I will admit, but what I had wasn't much. My brains are the greatest asset I had. If I hadn't been smart, I would probably already be dead. But I think too much. And that adds to my food cravings, my wants, my needs...all of it.

I ate too much today and I'm depressed about it. Which only makes me want to eat more, which is a vicious cycle of emotional eating. I don't know why I let pain control my life, but it does every day and each time I think about it, I think, "Well great Dad, you won!" I somehow imagining him laughing at me in hell.

I have to look at a bright side today. I haven't had one of those nightmares lately. The last one I remember as clear as day, which sticks with me every day. The dream that my father turned into a demon with red eyes and laughed at me wickedly. I remember being awake in the dream, unable to manipulate the events and knowingly backing away from him. And then all the blood coming from the toilets and sinks in the house, everything exploding and decaying away into nothing. I have talked to my friends and family and even my pastor, and prayed very hard, to not be tormented by these dreams. At least lately they have backed off. But I often dread the next time I go to sleep.

I fall short of the grace today... but I hope and pray that I am renewed in His glory.

R

The Coca Cola Generation

Today I feel like being bland and unaware of my surroundings. I'm a bit groggy from not enough sleep, although my sleep apnea is also getting worse lately. It could be the Spring Cleaning that I have yet to do on the house, and I am therefore being punished by dust and pollen and pet dander that I have yet to clean out of the house. But of course, being so tired and so unhealthy doesn't give me any energy to do anything. I would pay to have a maid come in and clean, but I don't want anyone coming in to see what a mess the house is in. Its a double edged sword. I can't clean because I'm unhealthy, but I can't get healthy without cleaning.

I used to not be a clutter bug in the past, but past roommates and significant others have influenced me in a bad way. Its so hard to make a change when you have so much of the past still holding you down. Would it not be a great day when someone could magically change overnight?

I've actually been rather introspective of the last 12 months. I think a lot of things happened after I was baptised. I have to say, and I don't mean to hurt anyone's feelings, but I didn't feel anything spectacular after I was baptised. I was glad I had done it and felt that it was blessing to me from The Lord, and it was something that I wanted to do for a very long time. But I really expected more. I expected some sort of miracle in my life, some monumental occurrence that would tell me, see what starting over can do for you? And nothing happened in that manner. Is it wrong for me to expect that? I guess. But can we not expect miracles from The Lord? Doesn't he say that if you ask, ye shall receive? I'm not asking for a million dollars or a mansion or to look like a fashion model. I just wanted some sort change in my health...something that I could recognized. Maybe I lost my blind faith at that moment, or forgot about it at that time. Is it not enough to believe?

Recently my sister lost a dear friend to suicide. He was a good man, a strong Christian, and a role model to others. What many people didn't know is, he had a past that was littered with abuse. Many of the things he suffered through I suffered through. And yes, I have attempted to take my own life. I know what a person can go through, what kind of torment they can be in. But thank God, I didn't die. Should God have stopped him from killing himself? We will never have the answers that we seek. All we can do is pray and hope things turn out for the best.

I am working on myself, my weight, my demons, my spirituality, but I have to know and own up to them. I have to believe that what I have gone through in my life was meant for something greater. If I don't do that, I lose whatever hope I might have. And I can't lose hope as long as I believe in Jesus.

2 Corinthians 4:15-17 (New International Version)
15All this is for your benefit, so that the grace that is reaching more and more people may cause thanksgiving to overflow to the glory of God.
16Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. 17For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all.

God Bless!

R

Giving Up in a Good Way

Today I struggled with the demons as per usual. I keep having reoccurring dreams of high school and finishing it, when I already graduated. It seems my mind is meshing my high school years completed with my college years uncompleted. I can't seem to get out of that mental loop. I even tried thinking of fuzzy bunnies before bed, and it doesn't help. Even in the dream I feel so much pressure to succeed. I know I'm also excited about the upcoming 20 year high school reunion. I really miss a lot of people from high school.

High school was a great and not-so-great experience. For the first time in my life I felt like I belonged to something good, had support, and had self worth. I was always told I was smart, but I really didn't believe it until high school, and then I think it was more of a curse than an ally. I had some really wonderful friends that I could rely on, when I really didn't have friends for the first 12-13 years of my life. Everyone felt sorry for me when I was younger. It wasn't until I was much older that I realized everyone knew my father was a violent alcholic and felt sorry for me by taking me in. When I was in elementary school, I can't count all the kids that allowed me to come to their house for weekend sleepovers. A lot of them I wasn't really close to later in life, but they were nice people all the same. I remember April Baggerly's swim birthday slumber party and feeling so special that I was invited. I'm not saying that she didn't like me or that her mother was pressured into inviting me, but I know that people really wanted to reach out to me cause they knew I was struggling.

Then when everything is finally going right in my life, I have good friends, a boyfriend, an upcoming Bon Jovi concert, a new car to drive, and the accident happens. Everything comes to a crashing halt, no pun intended. I'm in the hospital for three months trying to walk again and feeling like life, like God, had let me down. I was so angry with God at that time. I felt betrayed, that it should have never happened to me. I felt like with so much pain and loss in my life, why would He put more on me? I suffered from severe post traumatic stress disorder, and was scared of literally everyone and everything either disappearing on me, leaving me, or hurting me. My friends strayed away from me because they couldn't deal. I sunk into a spiral of depression and rage that nearly cost me my life at my own hands. And God would let this happen?

Well it took me a long time to figure out that this was my pain to bare. I'm not saying that I'm a glutten for punishment or anything like that, but I would have never wanted anyone else to suffer what I have suffered. I am glad that it happened to me rather than someone else, because God made me strong enough to deal with it. At the time I just didn't have the tools to do so. And now He is giving me the nudge to move forward, make changes, and seek out my dreams. One of the first steps was tonight that I didn't eat anything past 6 pm. I am proud of myself that I did that. It was hard, as I am a night munchie person, but it is that behavior that got me into this 444 pound body. Its time I let go of the instant gratification and look for a longer goal down the road.

I saw the footage of Susan Boyle and her magnificant performance. She was so judged by her outward appearance that it took everyone by surprise when she belted out that song so gracefully and so beautifully. Its time I take the stage and sing for glory and overcoming. I'll hum the first parts....

My Soul Tax Needs Paying

This is it. The first day of my journey to weight loss, self discovery, and a new found happiness. My soul has yearned to finally reach this place in my life; I just wished that it had happened sooner. I'm paying the debt that my soul needs paying. The reason why I chose that title is because its April 15, 2009, and everyone that isn't smart about paying their taxes is rushing today to make sure they get their forms in. Well, I wish I could rush mine and be ready to be the person I already wish I was, but that is impossible. Even what I consider are my realistic expectations of the changing of my life aren't as reasonable as they probably should be. I want to be in a thinner, healthier self before my twenty year high school reunion. But that's not my reason for losing weight. I came to a decision, do I want to live or do I not care enough about living to want to die? My husband Ronny asked me that question and I answered honestly, "At least with dying I won't be in pain any longer." And that is a true fact, I suffer from a lot of pain, both mentally, physically, emotionally, and spiritually. But am I the type of person to give up? No. Its never too late to start over.

For anyone that will be reading this blog, there are going to be sensitive and sometimes disturbing information that I might share. If you are the faint of heart or cannot handle deep emotional and physical pain being talked about, I urge you not to read my blog. This is going to be my place to release some anger and frustration and hopefully pain into becoming a better person. I will be relying on Bible scripture as much as possible, because I know that my true Savior is Jesus Christ. From the time I was 7 years old until now, He has been calling me to the ministry, and I have been pushing it away. Fear and anticipation of what might happen while in the faith lead me astray from Him. But, I am reaching back. And I think this time I can do the work that He calls me to do. I just have to find where exactly He wants me to be.

As far as emotional and physical pain, I'm neck deep in it. And I'm tired, very tired. I guess that's why I answered my husband the way that I did. I'm tired of fighting back towards something that keeps me so down in life. But I'm ready to move forward now, even if it is only for a short time; no one knows how long they are on this earth and what they are here for. I just hope that I do some good and make Jesus proud of me.

I just saw my psychiatrist today. We are adjusting my medication for probably the 20th time. It gets old and frustrating. There is no magical pill to make you all better. And I really don't want to be on all the medication that I'm on anyway. All the chemicals I'm sure are making my quality of life better mentally, but not physically. But I haven't been released from my pain yet, so I hang on.

I suffer from so many different health problems. Its not like I didn't see it coming from twenty years ago. I just didn't expect it to hit me at 35. Everything seemed to roll to a stop. And I really couldn't get out of bed.
And I have went on a slow and steady decline since then. I am now 37. I have to do something now to get me started.

So, as I start this journey, I hope all of you that might be reading, (and I am surprised anyone will be reading, to be honest), will think of me and pray for me a deepest and sincerest prayer of hope. I need all of the prayers that I can get. God Bless you all today and every day, and let no fear get in your way.

1 Kings 19:3-8
3) Elijah was afraid and ran for his life. When he came to Beersheba in Judah, he left his servant there, 4) while he himself went a day's journey into the desert. He came to a broom tree, sat down under it and prayed that he might die. "I have had enough, LORD," he said. "Take my life; I am no better than my ancestors." 5) Then he lay down under the tree and fell asleep. All at once an angel touched him and said, "Get up and eat." 6) He looked around, and there by his head was a cake of bread baked over hot coals, and a jar of water. He ate and drank and then lay down again.
7) The angel of the LORD came back a second time and touched him and said, "Get up and eat, for the journey is too much for you." 8) So he got up and ate and drank. Strengthened by that food, he traveled forty days and forty nights until he reached Horeb, the mountain of God.

Let me reach that mountain in 40 days and 40 nights that I might resist the temptation to die. I know its a slow journey Lord, full of hardship and loss, but I only hope that in my struggle great reward might be bestowed upon me that I might give it away.

Best,

Robin Julian