Cards Against Humanity

I cannot believe how long it has been since I have been here. I totally forgot about my blog, or maybe, just maybe, I let it sit and stew for awhile. I always have so many things swimming around in my head at one time, maybe I needed time to formulate something meaningful to write. I am beginning to see myself differently than I have in the past. I was motivated to come and write something, from a wonderful evening that I had last night. I met two new wonderful people that I now consider dear friends and I saw two people that I have not seen in almost 20 years. We played a game called Cards Against Humanity, one that I have never heard before, but instantly fell in love with. I was laughing my ass off.  It was a great night.

I am starting to hold back more of me, and share less, but what I do share, I make meaningful and important. I know in the past that my emotions would spill out and it would overwhelm other people and myself. I noticed I was able to keep my composure and be kind, funny, and giving without becoming so emotional. I think the stones in my pocket were the key. I felt so good, so even, not feeling overwhelmed by the situation. Mind you, it was only 4 other people, but even in times like that, I would be a kind of wallflower. 

I am waking up to being an Empath. I have always been one, since as long as I could remember, possibly 6-7 years old. I remember my father would get ugly with me, saying, "Stop being such a cry baby." Now that I think about it, parents repeat what was said and done to them as a child. I bet my father was an Empath, and that is why he self medicated with alcohol. He was a very violent alcoholic. I am sure his father was just as violent as he was. Clyde Barnes was known to be a violent alcoholic as well. And Cumie, Dad's mom, was just like my mother, always trying to be loving and giving, because the situation was so bad when they were kids. 

So Dad was an Empath, a bisexual, sex addicted, Empath, who was molested and beaten and barely had anything to eat because of his 8 brothers and sisters.  He never received counseling for what he went through as a child. All he knew was that he had to drink to make the inner demons go away. I long ago forgave my father for what he did to me growing up. He was just a sick man, that needed help, and never got it. He was not meant to be a father, and he certainly was not meant to be in a marriage. He cheated on my mother every chance he got.  But the more I look at the man, the more I see into the spirit. I think he wants me to do that... he wants me to understand that he didn't know what he was, he didn't have a name for a lot of things that were going on inside his head, except for enjoying sex with men. He knew that was something in society that was frowned upon. 

I wish my family would just start looking at the man, seeing him for what he was, and being honest with that knowledge. I have had to walk away from them. They are so utterly toxic that I get sick every single time I am around them. I got sick after just talking to my mother on the phone. I wasn't even in the same room as her, and I was feeling horrible. I just can't let that be in my life again. I just can't. I wish them the best, and I want them happy, I just don't want to be apart of it. 

I guess I am going to go. I have poured a little of my brain out today... Maybe I should save some for tomorrow... and I have a headache...lol 

Best, 

Robin Julian

A Change in Life

Well, here I am with another change in my life. Things have been progressing wildly as of late. Just a week ago I was at my 20 year high school reunion. I saw a lot of people that I really missed and wanted to reconnect with. Everything went really well and I had a great time. Of course, there was at least one man and one woman that showed a troubling side to their nature. I will not share their names to give pity to their shame. But they were drunk, and I mean REALLY drunk. The event was held at a country club with a golf course of course and one of them drove onto the green. Pretty sobering fact.

Something else that I along with my tablemates and friends noticed was that we were the only people not drinking. Everyone else had drinks in their hands and were shuffled near the bar. Could it be that after 20 years the popular people still don't feel confident about themselves not to have a drink? I'm not saying they were all alcoholics by any means, but is it really that hard to be beautiful and thin and popular?

Mind you, when I was in my 20's I was drinking and drugging a lot. Whatever I could get my hands on I tried, except meth and heroine. But thankfully meth wasn't popular back then. I as never offered heroine so I had no need to seek it out. But everything else, I've tried. It didn't take me long to realize that the drugs were not that great. The irony is, I'm on twelve different medications now. Sometimes with back or knee pain, I'm on additional 2-3 more. Now how does that tie in with my experience at my reunion? Greatly!

I have seen the pictures of the reunion and I don't even look human anymore! I look like a giant blob alien. Everything on me is so bloated and puffed up. And I said, well all these people have problems being themselves, but so do I! Who am I to judge them for what they want, how they look, or what they do? And none of them are on all the drugs I'm on just to try to stay some sort of healthy. And I'm tired of it, I really am.

I started with changing things in my food and beverage intake. That's expected. And I am going to join a gym. But the one thing I have to change more than anything is my faith and the way I'm thinking. I'm not going to sit around and just let life pass me by knowing that if I ask for more help, it might change things around. So how did I do it?

I got a tattoo! But not any regular tattoo, a cross dripping with blood. To me it was the one thing that symbolized my change. That I was going to study the Bible more, pray more, meditate more, and motivate myself more than I have ever done before. I know to some it would seem to be either trashy or trivial. It's not either of those things to me. I've made my commitment! And now its just taking it one day at a time to get myself to the weight I need to be. But know this...the more weight I lose, the more I am determined to start devoting my life to Christ's ministry, in some form or fashion. This is what He wants, and I know it is my destiny.

So far I have lost 28 pounds. And I've gained more love for myself. And I will give that love out.

Till next time... peace and love be with you.

R

If You Only Knew

Sometimes it seems as if I am transparent. If you know me at all you know that is not true. I am a big woman and some have considered a "hard target". You can't miss me. But yet inside I feel like no one can see me, hear me, understand my pain and confusion.

Living with chronic PTSD (post traumatic stress disorder) is not easily explained to most people when you haven't served in the armed forces. I have never been in the military. I've never been in a conflict zone or seen anyone get killed right in front of me. But I suffered from it all the same.

Growing up with a violent alcoholic diabetic was like living in a war zone. You never knew when they were going to explode for no reason. Diabetics tend to be moody but give them alcohol, and constant state of anger, and you have a ticking time bomb. I lived in fear for the first 20 years of my life, not knowing if I was going to live through it or get buried. I know to some that may seem hard to believe, but its true. The flashbacks to times of pain and terror that they put you through keeps you anxious and hypervigilant. You don't know how to react to things the right way. You never seem prepared for the future. That is my day to day life.

My post is short today, but one I wanted to make. Be thankful you had a wonderful childhood and bless your family for being there for you. To some that would have been the greatest thing they would have ever received.

R

Who Am I Really?

Isn't that a question that everyone asks themselves? Some time in your life, when you are introspective and wondering what all it means that you have done with your life? Who have you truly become in this life?

An old school friend, someone I truly have always admired, (and not because of his looks too, cause he's somewhat attractive) just make a crack about a fat girl falling = sound of thunder. You know, normally that stuff just rolls off my back and I go on. This time I actually winced for the first time in a VERY long time.

Now, if you know me, you know I've always been a big girl, ever since I was 5 years old. (Which I am beginning to think that me bashing my head at that age started it, but hey, I'm not a doctor right?) Anyway, as a child, those comments would kill me, bring tears to my eyes, make me shy away from people. And my father being the good and wholesome person as he was made it all better. But I haven't been that fat sad ugly girl for a long time.

I guess, strangely enough, I have always known I was fat, but never saw myself as fat. I know that doesn't make any sense, but its true. Its like when skinny girls think they are fat when they aren't. I have always thought I was not that fat, when in reality I was. But with his comment, and the fact that I have now reached the highest weight I never thought I would ever reach, I feel that again. I feel fat and sad and ugly.

I so want the weight loss surgery. My insurance has made it a point to write the possibility out of the policy. UNITED HEALTHCARE YOU SUCK! There, I feel a little better. But I think that in reality I want to overcome the reasons why I overeat. Everyone says its my feelings. I know its my feelings! But what do I do with them? I mean, I can scream yell cuss all I want by myself, but regardless, that doesn't stop the urges that I have. And the funny thing is, I'm so heavy, yet I honestly don't eat that much food. I'm beginning to think I was genetically mutated with a furless bear.

Nonetheless, I'm glad to be here today. I was in the hospital the other day and the doctors ran a multitude of tests and came up with zilch. Nothing!!! That's when it hit me, they weighed me, and I was like, OMG! I'm THAT obese woman that you hear about on the news! The one that could get stuck in her house with her dozen cats (and no I don't have a dozen, just one LOL) and they have to saw half the house out to get her out. I refuse!!! That was the biggest, pun of course intended, wake up call I ever got.

Anyway, I rant and rave... but I wish I could find out what is going on with me. Is it all in my head? Am I really a skinny woman trapped in a fat shell? We shall see. News at 11.

Robin

The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly

How much that title references my life right now! I am begging the Lord for support and I feel like I'm in the rain constantly. Right now I'm having chest pain from all the stress I'm suffering, and I can't stop crying. This is my life in a nutshell. An episode happens at least once a week or more. The bad dreams have subsided lately, which is good, but I wonder for how long. And I wish that my dead Dad would stop coming back into my dreams. I know what is wrong and I have dealt with it. Still he haunts me...

I have been losing weight as of late and its great!!! I've dropped 7 pounds so far... YAY!!!! So progress is being made. I am starting to feel less sluggish too! My pysche doc put me on some new medication that won't raise my blood sugar and it is working great! Thank GOD for that! I'm starting to feel like I can be more active, which is a good thing because I have scheduled a vacation with my sister and my husband in the first of October in FL that should be fantastic!!!
She is just as excited as me. I can't wait...but my main goal is, I will have lost 20-40 pounds by then. I thought 20 was a healthy goal, and 40 was a wishing goal, so I'm not setting my expectations high. I can tell you what is really working: SlimQuick drink packets, SlimFast, and Special K Protein Water and cereal. It is doing a wonder with my cravings, they are nearly non existent! So I eat breakfast, skip lunch, eat dinner, and use the beverages to tide over my cravings and munchies at night. WHOOOHOO!!!

Now the ugly part: WageWorks, the healthcare spending account company that manages money on a pre-tax basis for paying for medical expenses has suspended my card because they think I've made suspicious transactions. If I wasn't sick, do you think I would be wasting my money on a doctor? Then I submit the verification and they say they won't pay! And then on top of it all, the customer service SUCKS ASS!!!! I don't hate many things in life, because the Lord says you shouldn't, but I HATE WAGEWORKS!!! And if you hear about your company using them, RUN, RUN FAR AWAY!

Now for my overall status...I feel like killing someone or something. That is an honest and strong feeling. Am I going to? No. But with the way things are going in my life, I can't deal that well. At least I'm accomplishing one goal, losing some weight. Now if I could just get to work on what's inside.

Thanks and Love You All!

R

Just Say Anything

I was thinking about a quote from one of my favorite movies, Say Anything, with John Cusack. I remember it clearly, and every time I wonder about things, this quote comes to mind.

"Maybe the world is full of food and sex and spectacle and we're all just hurling towards an apocalypse, in which case it's not your fault. "

I often think that is the perfect description of my life. My life is nothing but food and sex and spectacle. Or at least it was for several years. I wanted to show off and show out as often as I could. Any kind of shiny thing in the world, any vice, any wanton desire, was my spectacle. And now that I want to stop, it is almost impossible. Its like asking me to stop breathing for the rest of my life. At which case, I would be dead. There goes my analogy with death and dieting.

Making me put a halt on what I want and desire is hard for me. I didn't have a lot when I was growing up. I had more than most, I will admit, but what I had wasn't much. My brains are the greatest asset I had. If I hadn't been smart, I would probably already be dead. But I think too much. And that adds to my food cravings, my wants, my needs...all of it.

I ate too much today and I'm depressed about it. Which only makes me want to eat more, which is a vicious cycle of emotional eating. I don't know why I let pain control my life, but it does every day and each time I think about it, I think, "Well great Dad, you won!" I somehow imagining him laughing at me in hell.

I have to look at a bright side today. I haven't had one of those nightmares lately. The last one I remember as clear as day, which sticks with me every day. The dream that my father turned into a demon with red eyes and laughed at me wickedly. I remember being awake in the dream, unable to manipulate the events and knowingly backing away from him. And then all the blood coming from the toilets and sinks in the house, everything exploding and decaying away into nothing. I have talked to my friends and family and even my pastor, and prayed very hard, to not be tormented by these dreams. At least lately they have backed off. But I often dread the next time I go to sleep.

I fall short of the grace today... but I hope and pray that I am renewed in His glory.

R

The Coca Cola Generation

Today I feel like being bland and unaware of my surroundings. I'm a bit groggy from not enough sleep, although my sleep apnea is also getting worse lately. It could be the Spring Cleaning that I have yet to do on the house, and I am therefore being punished by dust and pollen and pet dander that I have yet to clean out of the house. But of course, being so tired and so unhealthy doesn't give me any energy to do anything. I would pay to have a maid come in and clean, but I don't want anyone coming in to see what a mess the house is in. Its a double edged sword. I can't clean because I'm unhealthy, but I can't get healthy without cleaning.

I used to not be a clutter bug in the past, but past roommates and significant others have influenced me in a bad way. Its so hard to make a change when you have so much of the past still holding you down. Would it not be a great day when someone could magically change overnight?

I've actually been rather introspective of the last 12 months. I think a lot of things happened after I was baptised. I have to say, and I don't mean to hurt anyone's feelings, but I didn't feel anything spectacular after I was baptised. I was glad I had done it and felt that it was blessing to me from The Lord, and it was something that I wanted to do for a very long time. But I really expected more. I expected some sort of miracle in my life, some monumental occurrence that would tell me, see what starting over can do for you? And nothing happened in that manner. Is it wrong for me to expect that? I guess. But can we not expect miracles from The Lord? Doesn't he say that if you ask, ye shall receive? I'm not asking for a million dollars or a mansion or to look like a fashion model. I just wanted some sort change in my health...something that I could recognized. Maybe I lost my blind faith at that moment, or forgot about it at that time. Is it not enough to believe?

Recently my sister lost a dear friend to suicide. He was a good man, a strong Christian, and a role model to others. What many people didn't know is, he had a past that was littered with abuse. Many of the things he suffered through I suffered through. And yes, I have attempted to take my own life. I know what a person can go through, what kind of torment they can be in. But thank God, I didn't die. Should God have stopped him from killing himself? We will never have the answers that we seek. All we can do is pray and hope things turn out for the best.

I am working on myself, my weight, my demons, my spirituality, but I have to know and own up to them. I have to believe that what I have gone through in my life was meant for something greater. If I don't do that, I lose whatever hope I might have. And I can't lose hope as long as I believe in Jesus.

2 Corinthians 4:15-17 (New International Version)
15All this is for your benefit, so that the grace that is reaching more and more people may cause thanksgiving to overflow to the glory of God.
16Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. 17For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all.

God Bless!

R