The Coca Cola Generation

Today I feel like being bland and unaware of my surroundings. I'm a bit groggy from not enough sleep, although my sleep apnea is also getting worse lately. It could be the Spring Cleaning that I have yet to do on the house, and I am therefore being punished by dust and pollen and pet dander that I have yet to clean out of the house. But of course, being so tired and so unhealthy doesn't give me any energy to do anything. I would pay to have a maid come in and clean, but I don't want anyone coming in to see what a mess the house is in. Its a double edged sword. I can't clean because I'm unhealthy, but I can't get healthy without cleaning.

I used to not be a clutter bug in the past, but past roommates and significant others have influenced me in a bad way. Its so hard to make a change when you have so much of the past still holding you down. Would it not be a great day when someone could magically change overnight?

I've actually been rather introspective of the last 12 months. I think a lot of things happened after I was baptised. I have to say, and I don't mean to hurt anyone's feelings, but I didn't feel anything spectacular after I was baptised. I was glad I had done it and felt that it was blessing to me from The Lord, and it was something that I wanted to do for a very long time. But I really expected more. I expected some sort of miracle in my life, some monumental occurrence that would tell me, see what starting over can do for you? And nothing happened in that manner. Is it wrong for me to expect that? I guess. But can we not expect miracles from The Lord? Doesn't he say that if you ask, ye shall receive? I'm not asking for a million dollars or a mansion or to look like a fashion model. I just wanted some sort change in my health...something that I could recognized. Maybe I lost my blind faith at that moment, or forgot about it at that time. Is it not enough to believe?

Recently my sister lost a dear friend to suicide. He was a good man, a strong Christian, and a role model to others. What many people didn't know is, he had a past that was littered with abuse. Many of the things he suffered through I suffered through. And yes, I have attempted to take my own life. I know what a person can go through, what kind of torment they can be in. But thank God, I didn't die. Should God have stopped him from killing himself? We will never have the answers that we seek. All we can do is pray and hope things turn out for the best.

I am working on myself, my weight, my demons, my spirituality, but I have to know and own up to them. I have to believe that what I have gone through in my life was meant for something greater. If I don't do that, I lose whatever hope I might have. And I can't lose hope as long as I believe in Jesus.

2 Corinthians 4:15-17 (New International Version)
15All this is for your benefit, so that the grace that is reaching more and more people may cause thanksgiving to overflow to the glory of God.
16Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. 17For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all.

God Bless!

R