Just Say Anything

I was thinking about a quote from one of my favorite movies, Say Anything, with John Cusack. I remember it clearly, and every time I wonder about things, this quote comes to mind.

"Maybe the world is full of food and sex and spectacle and we're all just hurling towards an apocalypse, in which case it's not your fault. "

I often think that is the perfect description of my life. My life is nothing but food and sex and spectacle. Or at least it was for several years. I wanted to show off and show out as often as I could. Any kind of shiny thing in the world, any vice, any wanton desire, was my spectacle. And now that I want to stop, it is almost impossible. Its like asking me to stop breathing for the rest of my life. At which case, I would be dead. There goes my analogy with death and dieting.

Making me put a halt on what I want and desire is hard for me. I didn't have a lot when I was growing up. I had more than most, I will admit, but what I had wasn't much. My brains are the greatest asset I had. If I hadn't been smart, I would probably already be dead. But I think too much. And that adds to my food cravings, my wants, my needs...all of it.

I ate too much today and I'm depressed about it. Which only makes me want to eat more, which is a vicious cycle of emotional eating. I don't know why I let pain control my life, but it does every day and each time I think about it, I think, "Well great Dad, you won!" I somehow imagining him laughing at me in hell.

I have to look at a bright side today. I haven't had one of those nightmares lately. The last one I remember as clear as day, which sticks with me every day. The dream that my father turned into a demon with red eyes and laughed at me wickedly. I remember being awake in the dream, unable to manipulate the events and knowingly backing away from him. And then all the blood coming from the toilets and sinks in the house, everything exploding and decaying away into nothing. I have talked to my friends and family and even my pastor, and prayed very hard, to not be tormented by these dreams. At least lately they have backed off. But I often dread the next time I go to sleep.

I fall short of the grace today... but I hope and pray that I am renewed in His glory.

R