Giving Up in a Good Way

Today I struggled with the demons as per usual. I keep having reoccurring dreams of high school and finishing it, when I already graduated. It seems my mind is meshing my high school years completed with my college years uncompleted. I can't seem to get out of that mental loop. I even tried thinking of fuzzy bunnies before bed, and it doesn't help. Even in the dream I feel so much pressure to succeed. I know I'm also excited about the upcoming 20 year high school reunion. I really miss a lot of people from high school.

High school was a great and not-so-great experience. For the first time in my life I felt like I belonged to something good, had support, and had self worth. I was always told I was smart, but I really didn't believe it until high school, and then I think it was more of a curse than an ally. I had some really wonderful friends that I could rely on, when I really didn't have friends for the first 12-13 years of my life. Everyone felt sorry for me when I was younger. It wasn't until I was much older that I realized everyone knew my father was a violent alcholic and felt sorry for me by taking me in. When I was in elementary school, I can't count all the kids that allowed me to come to their house for weekend sleepovers. A lot of them I wasn't really close to later in life, but they were nice people all the same. I remember April Baggerly's swim birthday slumber party and feeling so special that I was invited. I'm not saying that she didn't like me or that her mother was pressured into inviting me, but I know that people really wanted to reach out to me cause they knew I was struggling.

Then when everything is finally going right in my life, I have good friends, a boyfriend, an upcoming Bon Jovi concert, a new car to drive, and the accident happens. Everything comes to a crashing halt, no pun intended. I'm in the hospital for three months trying to walk again and feeling like life, like God, had let me down. I was so angry with God at that time. I felt betrayed, that it should have never happened to me. I felt like with so much pain and loss in my life, why would He put more on me? I suffered from severe post traumatic stress disorder, and was scared of literally everyone and everything either disappearing on me, leaving me, or hurting me. My friends strayed away from me because they couldn't deal. I sunk into a spiral of depression and rage that nearly cost me my life at my own hands. And God would let this happen?

Well it took me a long time to figure out that this was my pain to bare. I'm not saying that I'm a glutten for punishment or anything like that, but I would have never wanted anyone else to suffer what I have suffered. I am glad that it happened to me rather than someone else, because God made me strong enough to deal with it. At the time I just didn't have the tools to do so. And now He is giving me the nudge to move forward, make changes, and seek out my dreams. One of the first steps was tonight that I didn't eat anything past 6 pm. I am proud of myself that I did that. It was hard, as I am a night munchie person, but it is that behavior that got me into this 444 pound body. Its time I let go of the instant gratification and look for a longer goal down the road.

I saw the footage of Susan Boyle and her magnificant performance. She was so judged by her outward appearance that it took everyone by surprise when she belted out that song so gracefully and so beautifully. Its time I take the stage and sing for glory and overcoming. I'll hum the first parts....